May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely outside of location. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Sure, positive, let's have One more put wherever American Adult males can dress in robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations failed less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: offer you Absolutely everyone a set about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is gentle energy," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he should really quit making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the undertaking, replied, "You realize, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head visible from Place, a aspect remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is really not just unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Options


Probably the strangest component of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may well contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, total with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is previously attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where my PTSD may have transform-down provider."


A different write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You might be welcome."

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